My Children, My Love, My Life
by Koala Penguin
Summary: As a father Peeta reflects on his abusive childhood at the hands of his mother and realises that it was wrong as he would never treat his children in the same way.


**My Children, My life, My love**

Peeta was watching his children playing. Their little girl had resembled Katniss with her dark hair but their little boy resembled him with his blond curls. He loved his children. Peeta knew he could never hurt them the way his mother had hurt him and he would never fail to protect them like his father had done.

When Peeta was captured by the Capitol, he was tortured physically, emotionally, and mentally; but his pain had started long before that. He had a very unhappy childhood which he had largely forgotten because his mind had been distorted by hallucinogenic tracker jacker venom. But through watching his little boy giggle and play he suddenly remembered it all. Peeta realised he had never resolved the pain his mother had constantly put him through.

Peeta had been the youngest of three brothers and in his mother's eyes had been surplus to requirements. They already had two strong boys to help in the bakery. They didn't need another – his mother had wanted a little girl. Peeta had paid the price for her disappointment. Peeta's mother had beaten all her boys to maintain discipline in the home as well as the bakery but she had singled out Peeta to be the scapegoat of the family. Peeta had borne her treatment well because he believed his mother's words undoubtedly – that he was worthless and unloveable.

Peeta's mother had had often held Peeta responsible for the Mellark's financial problems – he was a burden - another mouth to feed in the poverty stricken District 12. Therefore Peeta had to work harder in the bakery to earn his keep. Peeta's daily routine was exhausting in which he never received praised and any perceived failure was heavily punished. Peeta recalled how his hard work in the bakery had help him in the arena, how lifting sacks of flour on a daily basis had given him a great amount of strength, how decorating cakes had nurtured his artistic talent helping him to camouflage himself from the other tributes, but he knew he could never inflict the same routine on his own children. There were so many other ways to prepare his children for the hardships of the world.

Peeta was the first one up each day to lift heavy sacks of flour into the kitchen for the day's baking and the last to go to bed after cleaning the bakery following the day's work. The unfair allocation of tasks resulted in Peeta working longer hours in the hot temperatures of the bakery than that of his brothers. If Peeta was caught resting in the bakery he was severely punished. Peeta's only respite was school where he was often tired and so couldn't do academically as well as his brothers. His mother constantly picked at his failure. Peeta was also given the hardest job in the bakery of decorating cakes in allotted time. The work leaned towards his artistic talent and most of District 12 was impressed with the decorations he created but he never received praised or the recognition for the work. Instead every single imperfection was noted by his mother and each imperfection was punished. God help him if he didn't finish on time.

Peeta's mother wasn't adverse to instantly hitting him repeatedly with a rolling pin if he made a costly mistake like burning bread but there were formal punishments too. Peeta was punished daily after a long day's work for the mistakes that he had made in the bakery that day. His mother punished him by laying a cup of uncooked rice on the stone cold floor of the bakery that he would have to kneel on for 1 hour with his trousers rolled up. The uncooked rice would dig into his knees causing them to bleed. In this position his mother made him hold out a sack of flour that strained his arms and then beat his shoulders with a belt leaving red painful welts. The punishment time would be restarted if he moved in the position or if his arms gave way underneath the weight of the flour. After the punishment he would have to pick up each grain of rice separately with his mother standing over him. Peeta often thought that his pain and suffering had amused his mother. The punishment Peeta received was accepted by his father and brothers because they felt his mother wouldn't have to deal with him so much if he didn't mess up as often as he did. They felt he was being harshly punished on a daily basis because he wasn't try hard enough to serve the needs of the family. If Peeta could please his mother they could all live a quiet peaceful life without his mother going on a rant - he was the cause of the tension in the home. Because of the routine punishment Peeta was the last to be fed and he only got his fair ration because his father insisted that his brothers left him enough food to eat. Peeta was grateful for that. Peeta was also the last to wash before bed so the water was normally cold and dirty. Peeta knew his place in his family - the used water was a constant reminder. At night Peeta would go bed exhausted with limbs aching and his shoulders feeling like they were on fire only for it to start all over again in the morning. Peeta felt that there was nothing he could do to please his mother and that he deserved to be beaten and bullied because he was the constant disappointment in the family. His father would tell him that his mother loved him but he knew that wasn't true. His mother couldn't love someone like him.

Peeta knew his life was of very little use to his family. His father had only managed to stop his mother from forcing him to take tesserae by persuading her it was beneath them. When he was chosen as a tribute he wasn't surprised that his mother thought he was incapable of being a victor but he was surprised that she had almost gloated over his death. It had hurt him. He hadn't truly realised how much his mother despised him for simply existing. When he returned home she constantly remind him that it took a girl to save his life - that he should be dead - to him it was a indication of what she had wished for. In this knowledge Peeta was prepared to gladly give his life to protect Katniss the second time in the arena despite knowing she loved Gale. Peeta believed that if he died only his father would mourn him.

Peeta had always felt unworthy of love but knew that his two children loved him. He still wondered if Katniss loved him. After the arenas and the rebellion Katniss had needed him but that didn't necessarily equate to love. Peeta looked at his little boy and asked himself if could ever make his boy suffer the way his mother had made him suffer. Of course, Peeta knew he could never treat his boy with disgust and disdain just for existing. He loved his children and would do anything for them. He was their father, a good father – his mother was wrong about him – his life had been worth living. The proof was before his eyes.


End file.
